Ramblings of a Wren

I've been thinking for the past few days "Man, I really need to update my blog," but I haven't really been sure what to write about. I could talk about ConTour, which was surreal and I have things to say about it; I could talk about Harry Potter, which was glorious and I have things to say about it; I could even talk about my persona life, how wedding planning is going, and the fact that I had to formally say goodbye to my grandfather on Saturday.

But it just wasn't happening. Then I read this from my wonderful friend Syd:

 I think change is bothering me for several reasons. Losing friends means that there are people out there that can hurt me. If people know nothing about me, how can they really hurt me? If someone only knows what I allow them to know, do they really have power over me? When confiding in a close friend you don't worry about giving out too much information. However, say you lose that close friend, you wish you had been more cautious with the information you decided to share. They now have the ability to hurt you more than any stranger, because with their hurtful words and actions comes the added sting of betrayal.

It just speaks me to on such a deep deep level I cannot avoid mentioning it.

This exact feeling has plagued me my entire life it seems. I have felt the sting of betrayal, that sinking feeling of knowing that someone you trusted is using their knowledge of you against you. That feeling of trust being snapped in half. I hate that feeling, and it's made it very difficult for me to make new friends, and to keep old ones. The number one fight I have with my best friend is my not wanting to try anymore because why bother, she'll just leave eventually.

I used to honestly believe that everyone I was friends with would abandon me within ten years. Yeah. It's melodramatic, ridiculous, and a self-fulfilling prophecy. But that's how I felt.

This is (thankfully) something I have grown out of, or at least something I work to grow away from every day. If you don't risk that pain, you will never find those friendships, regardless how fleeting, that will change your life in beautiful, glorious ways.

It's certainly not easy, but it is certainly worth it. And now I'm not even sure where this blog post has gone, but I feel like something's been resolved.

Hope you all have a great day!